18 is NOT the Finish Line

Years ago when I decided that I wanted, more than anything, to become a mother I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into. That can, and in fact is a wide array of good, bad and everything between.

What the heck are you trying to get at you may ask. Well for starters, before actually joining that box we label PARENT, and for a large portion of my time since eagerly jumping into that glamorous box I had thought and often times even used wording similar to having x number of “years left” or until completion in reference to my Patenting duties/role.

Looking at that way of thinking now, I wonder if I would have laughed, denied, accepted, or disbelieved what I know now, had it been made known to me way back when. More than likely I would have laughed and dismissed the information thinking there is no way I am not already correct. In reality I know that I would not have had the capability of truly comprehending how far from right I was all those years ago.

As the years ticked down I have progressively expanded the horizon of my thinking as well as what I believe and feel to be true and suspect that even my current beliefs will still be evolving, changing, and reshaping from what they currently look like in this moment.

Now I know and have a hard time understanding how I could be so ignorant that I didn’t see that 18 is not only NOT the finish line, the marker of completing my position as Parent, but in fact actually is merely the level up, if you will, in skill and difficulty in regards to what will be asked of you in your Patent role upon crossing that 18 year mark.

Remember those days, when the kids were young, you were always tired, couldn’t remember the sound of a quiet environment or one in which the children weren’t arguing over something? Or even those days that your biggest challenge might be a skinned knee requiring a bandage, a hug, and some positive words of encouragement to fix the problem then bam, instant reward, you are flooded with feelings of accomplished content, pride, knowing that you did good and that you successfully eliminated what threatened your child’s happiness in life. Good job Mom or Dad! Gold star for you!

Looking back at those situations that once were dreaded and possibly even terrifying to think of or imagine going thru, even those that caused us quite a bit of headache and tension you can almost laugh at after leveling up and suddenly having a narcissistic boyfriend slowly destroying the magic that is your daughters very being. To find a way to keep as little of that magical essence from spilling out of the most Incredible creation on this planet, and in such a way that ensures you won’t end up pushing her away and closer to the monster you are trying to save her from to begin with….those tumbles off her bicycle did NOTHING to prepare you for what lies ahead. And if that is not enough let’s add distance I to the equation while we are at it. Oh, and go ahead and throw in some of that young ‘I know everything’ headstrong attitude and let’s not forget a healthy serving of ‘first love’ to the mix, I mean why not jump feet first into the deep end of difficulty skill set just seconds into that once glorified ‘completion’ marking point?!

As far as I’m concerned there is nothing that could ever prepare you for rhe agony of listening to your baby cry, believing the nasty things that monster managed to get her head to believe of herself. All of which are so far from what and who she actually IS and there is nothing you can say in that moment that she will believe, or that will make her feel any better about it, because she doesn’t see what is clear from your viewpoint. She is too consumed in what you know is only just the beginning of an avalanch sized event and the onlyy casualty is that wich you consider your most incredible creation.

Although listening to her heartbreaking sobs over the phone and shedding tears right along with her from miles apart IS worthy of those gold stars of success and accomplishment, it holds absolutely none of the proud, confident, feelings of satisfaction that you helped or fixed anything. In fact you are left feeling like a failure and perhaps even start developing a few murderous thoughts or at the very least definitely fantasize a few thoughts of violence on the horrible monster disguised as the one your precious gift fell in love with and is now casually destroying that which you cherish the most in this life.

Then, if you are on the side of luck, or perhaps, following suit with my comparisons here, should you happen to complete that level, you may even find that you have been awarded a bonus level and that level is a gift that no doubt keeps on giving, perhaps you get the pleasure of Parenting a child, who although is nearly to that Adult Era will always be looked at in your eyes as ‘my baby’ however you have realized that child or adult it does not make a bit of difference to the ones that created and raised that amazing creature, you must experience and forge a way thru a traumatic, life changing accident. If you have experienced this, I must tell you, your doing great and keep on pushing thru with strength and know that it is NOT easy for any of us and it is most definitely worth every ounce of struggle to be the one standing behind a child who now has to learn how to live life without the use of limbs that had always worked and should still be working more than ok however by some cruel turn happened to be ripped away from them far too early and usually not kindly. This path comes with endless ups and downs for everyone involved and not all of them happen gracefully.

It was within this particularly challenging time that I discovered to this day the most heart wrenching, agonizing, moments of fear. You see, it is within the healing, transforming phase of trauma in which you are truly shown what your offspring is made of. You find out how affective your years of teaching, coaching, and molding have woven your mini me into their very own being. This is the ultimate stand back and have a look at your life’s masterpiece center stage. It’s not something you can rush, or choose the final outcome, or decide when it’s face will surface to the top even and it will rip you apart with anxiety.

Hold your heads up high, breath in and out, release all that nervous anxiety and worry and smile big and proud dear PARENT! Not only have you created an incredible, unique masterpiece, that perfectly molded exhibit of your very existence will surpass every single thing that worried you so much, and with ease that will make you feel silly that you ever even had a second thought about it and you can guarantee that will only be scratching the surface.

It was within this process that I have been humbled and found the chip that sits on my egos shoulder all within the same reasons. Now I am certain that should this be the one thing in my life I do not mess up, I can very happily accept that. I’m not even half the mother she deserves, she astounds me every single day and I wonder what I did to be lucky enough to have this gift in my life. Who calls me mom, looks up to me, believes in me, has undying faith in me, and will always be what I hope that I always will be to her, a rock of endless encouragement, support, and love no matter what.

Done? Completed my time, crossed the finish line? Not until my heart stops beating and even then my love will be as strong for all eternity. Xoxo my Reasons for breathing! I love you both!